They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.

Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.