How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I can't say I ever wanted to become an entertainer. I already was one, sort of-around the house, at school, doing my magic tricks, throwing my voice and doing Popeye impersonations. People thought I was funny; so I kind of took entertaining for granted It was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances.

Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.