How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.

The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval.

Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.

Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.