How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

You become successful, the way I see it, only if you're good enough to deliver what the public enjoys. If you're not, you won't have any audience; so the performer really has more to do with his success than the public does.

Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.

Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.