George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'

Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.