I also want to return to doing stand-up. I've become frightened of live audiences. This is a really telling sign that I need to go back on the comedy circuit again.

When I wasn't as attractive as I am now, I suffered at the hands of cruel children and their taunts until I realised that confidence and a bit of aesthetic care can overcome that.

For the greater good, I thought I should be a spiritual leader for people for some reason.

Never try to be witty with U.S. airport officials. It's always lost on them and you'll find yourself being put back on the plane.

I used to attract a lot of feeders. I'd be quite happy to be locked in someone's flat and fed liquidised burgers.

With stand-up you've just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle.

It's lovely being a parent and being in a strong marriage with somebody who is your best friend.