Johnny Vegas Quotes

I also want to return to doing stand-up. I've become frightened of live audiences. This is a really telling sign that I need to go back on the comedy circuit again.

I always feel like an interloper when I do serious drama. It's my own paranoia.

Health-wise, I couldn't have said what my life expectancy would've been if I'd just carried on doing solid blocks of stand-up.

I struggle as a writer, and I'm convinced that if I was at school now, I'd be termed as having ADS. Two minutes and I'm drifting.

If an original piece of wardrobe came up from Star Wars, I'd probably spend a lot of money on it.

Being 'Johnny' was almost like an out of body experience. I thought he was just a character that I'd created and could quite easily step away from, but it was much more difficult than that.

I love the way my weight fluctuates in the newspapers. It was 18 stone and then people look at a bad picture of me and add a few more stone on. I think the highest was 22 stone.

I sang 'American Pie' a lot in my stage set. It had a knack of uniting an audience in a sing-along. It's a clever song about American history but wrapped in a fantastic tune.

I actually enjoy being heckled; it keeps it interesting, and I think it is a nice feeling for people once they have left the show.

I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough.

You know, there's that temptation in interviews to make yourself sound - well, to give yourself a bit of mystery.

We had a week off in the middle of shooting, but as soon as everyone stopped, we all went down with six different types of flu and other unmentionable diseases.

Had I become a priest, the sermons would've been electric!

I used to attract a lot of feeders. I'd be quite happy to be locked in someone's flat and fed liquidised burgers.

I avoid any kind of organised trips as that's one of my bugbears.

You can sway an audience if you win the women over. The gentlemen will follow 'cause they can be so foolish like that at times, they are easily led.

Up North you are holding your own. Everyone considers themselves a comedian.

My first holiday to San Francisco in 1998-99 was supposed to be a two-week vacation but I ended up staying five weeks and nearly didn't come home.

Never try to be witty with U.S. airport officials. It's always lost on them and you'll find yourself being put back on the plane.

I've got little ankles and a bit of a belly, so it makes me look rather an egg on legs.

I've always been looking for other people's approval.

Writing a book about yourself is like therapy, and you go 'Oh My God, that's the reason that happened.' Writing about it, you're forced to really examine things.

When I wasn't as attractive as I am now, I suffered at the hands of cruel children and their taunts until I realised that confidence and a bit of aesthetic care can overcome that.

They look outside the windows of their apartment in town and realize they're not living in a terrace anymore. This is a room full of dreamers who like to go to London for a day.

I hate flying, airports and the whole rigmarole - queuing up, security and lost luggage.

Class still matters in Britain today.

For the greater good, I thought I should be a spiritual leader for people for some reason.

I've got my finger in a lot of pies.

I am a big fan of smelly cheeses but the rest of the family don't seem to be particularly keen on them.

I had a massive amount of self-belief when I did stand-up.

I'm getting positive feedback for my acting so we'll see if any other interesting parts come up.

I came back from university thinking I knew all about politics and racism, not knowing my dad had been one of the youngest-serving Labour councillors in the town and had refused to work in South Africa years ago because of the situation there. And he's never mentioned it - you just find out. That's a real man to me. A sleeping lion.

There have been times I've finished a big job and thought, 'Great, a couple of weeks off.' But then a couple of weeks turns to three weeks and then after a month you're staring at the phone willing it to ring.

It's lovely being a parent and being in a strong marriage with somebody who is your best friend.

My work's never been accepted by my family, but it's something I'll always carry on with.

You can't be a proper comic unless you've been out on stage and felt the fear.

It can be tough as a jobbing actor.

I use very few muscles at the best of times.

I've got too much respect for stand-ups to call myself one.

Comedy's so subjective, and if someone comes to watch, doesn't get it, doesn't find it funny, then fine.

Baldness is visually enough of a stigma as it is without a big sweaty bloke on stage pointing it out.

I've spent lots of time in London, I studied in London, I like London. It's just not my home.

I still give myself the right to be highly critical of others, though.

My agent once said, 'You're not very driven.' And it's true. I'm not the type to ring up and go, 'Get me this part!'

We all have days where we can't pronounce things or give it the emotion it deserves.

Some comics are in it for what they can get out of it. Others are in it for a love of comedy. I think those that are in it for a genuine love of comedy find each other within the circuit and become friends.

I believe that Britain is becoming more class-conscious, and I quake at the very idea of Old Etonians ruling the world again.

I trained to be a priest - started to. I went to seminary school when I was 11. I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me I could never have sex, not even on my birthday, I changed my mind.