With stand-up you've just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle.

I love the way my weight fluctuates in the newspapers. It was 18 stone and then people look at a bad picture of me and add a few more stone on. I think the highest was 22 stone.

I've always been looking for other people's approval.

Writing a book about yourself is like therapy, and you go 'Oh My God, that's the reason that happened.' Writing about it, you're forced to really examine things.

You can't be a proper comic unless you've been out on stage and felt the fear.

Had I become a priest, the sermons would've been electric!

When I wasn't as attractive as I am now, I suffered at the hands of cruel children and their taunts until I realised that confidence and a bit of aesthetic care can overcome that.