Do you wanna see something swell?

If I make a dollar and out of every dollar I’m taxed at 50, half, at 50 cents, I have to give, isn’t that like enough?

Why do all these people want [comedians] to be serious? The reason they want that is these are people who aren't funny. Anybody funny can be serious, but people who have no sense of humor, they can never be funny - and frankly, they're jealous. There's very few comic actors. Think about it. There aren't that many. It's hard because you have to be able to do both.

Anybody can be going from being broke to being wealthy, as I did.

I don't want to talk about myself, that's for other people to say, so I'm not saying I was so talented.

How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men.

You, the actor, must be aware of when you're being funny, but the character you're playing should always be oblivious to the fact.