For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don't have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there.

I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.

Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot." [Hosting the Peabody Awards for broadcasting excellence at the New York Waldorf-Astoria, June 6, 2006]

The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every f*cking day.

The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way to try!'

Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. Private, shoot that man! I can't, he's adorable.