Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.

Watching these channels all day is incredibly depressing. I live in a constant state of depression. I think of us as turd miners. I put on my helmet, I go and mine turds, hopefully I don't get turd lung disease.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

The rise of secularism has brought about an increase in hostility toward things religious.

It's not really a good sign when your audience applauds Satan.

Stephen Colbert is also then turned into news.