The White House released documents it claims validates the president's (National Guard) service ... When deciphered the documents showed that in a one-year period, 1972 and 1973, Bush received credit for nine days of active National Guard service. The traditional term of service then and now for the National Guard is one weekend a month and two full weeks a year, meaning that Bush's nine-day stint qualifies him only for the National Guard's National Guard. That's the National Guard's National Guard, an Army of None.

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.

You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another.

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips...no Congress can make just one.

Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It's using the energy.

Sometimes it's hard to face your own...life.