As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.

Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.

We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside.

You may be asking yourself, 'Am I the right type of person to go to this rally?' The fact that you would even stop to ask yourself that question, as opposed to, let's say, just jumping up, grabbing the nearest stack of burnable holy books, strapping on a diaper and pointing your car towards D.C. -- that means I think you just might be right for it.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.

When you are actually powerful, you don't need to be petty.