Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims there are no homosexuals in Iran, just like there are no gay conservatives in the US.

[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode.

The White House released documents it claims validates the president's (National Guard) service ... When deciphered the documents showed that in a one-year period, 1972 and 1973, Bush received credit for nine days of active National Guard service. The traditional term of service then and now for the National Guard is one weekend a month and two full weeks a year, meaning that Bush's nine-day stint qualifies him only for the National Guard's National Guard. That's the National Guard's National Guard, an Army of None.

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about, and that's really it. I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change, but I am far lazier than that.

I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Bush's popularity is at 40% in South America? He could be their president!