Making it [St. Patrick's Day] a great day for the Irish, but just an ok day if you're looking for a quiet tavern to talk, read or have a white wine spritzer.

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.

I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.

They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.

I really think [the Bush Administration]'s foreign policy agenda is to spread irony through the world.

Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t.