The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!'

There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.

Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.

You guys (Boko Haram) are trying so hard to convince everybody that you're such badasses. But all you've done with this kidnapping is highlight who the real badasses are, the kids you kidnapped. Compared to a teenager who knows that her desire for an education could get her dragged into a snake infested jungle to be sold as a bribe to some demented, stick-chewing cartoon villain but still gets up and goes to class everyday, fully aware of that danger - compared to their courage - I'd say Boko Haram is a bunch of little girls. But, you know what? You don't deserve that compliment.

I really think [the Bush Administration]'s foreign policy agenda is to spread irony through the world.