There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.

I have the liberal dictionary right here...let's see how they define water-boarding: 'Something done by the evil troops, who we don't support, to innocent terrorists violating their rights to bomb our cities and make us get gay marriage.'

Poor Al Gore, global warming completely debunked, via the very Internet you invented.

Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!

People are very sophisticated consumers of information, and they're pulling all different things.

I know that my job is to perform, it wouldn't be a very interesting show if I just came out one day and said, "I'm going to sit here in a ball and rock back and forth. And won't you join me for a half hour of sadness."

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.