There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.

The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every f*cking day.

Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.

Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t.

I wonder who really is the change candidate? It can't be both of them [Hillary Clinton & Barak Obama]. What would be a black man and a woman - how could that be different than the 43 other Presidents we've had?

Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them.

Analysis of President Bush's tax plan has revealed that several elaborate tricks and gimmicks were used to make it look like a $1.35 trillion cut, but in reality it's going to be closer to costing $1.8 trillion. Critics claim it's math so fuzzy, you have to squint to see our nation's future of subsistence farming and post-apocalyptic roving motorcycle gangs.