You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty!

California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils.

If Obama's a tyrant, then he's pretty lame for a tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture? Very few.

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?

Democrats - always standing up for what they later realize they should have believed in.

When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa.

Typically, when you're with your friends, premises are coming up left and right. But when you're on stage, you must create the premise. So you have to create the premise, paint the picture and then deliver the punch line.