We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.

In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a... well, yes I am.

Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, "fair and balanced? Why, that's snide!" Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan "You Can Depend on CNN". Guess what? I watch it, no you can't. So what's the difference?

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'

[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever.

That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973.