I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

So if you're negative, you live longer? That sounds like a cruel joke.

At the end of your life, do you give a concession speech?

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.

Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again.

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!