People don't understand that we're not warriors in their cause. We're a group of people that really feel that they want to write jokes about the absurdity that we see in government and the world and all that, and that's it.

When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa.

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It's using the energy.

My friend Bill O’Reilly is completely full of sh*t.

The danger of oppression is not just being oppressed, it's becoming an oppressor.

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.