There is going to come a day when everyone here is going to need keen observation and wit to ridicule George W. Bush. But when that day comes, all we're going to have are tired puns and goofy looks. Because as you would say, we're suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectorations.

The (Supreme Court) ruling that anyone who's arrested -- even accidentally -- can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court's five conservatives. You know -- the 'defending personal liberty' guys. Which is weird because I'm not a constitutional scholar, but I'm willing to bet Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your anus.

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

It's like hunting cows

I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".

The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed.