There is going to come a day when everyone here is going to need keen observation and wit to ridicule George W. Bush. But when that day comes, all we're going to have are tired puns and goofy looks. Because as you would say, we're suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectorations.

When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition.

The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party

I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.

I can only fight back in a way that I feel like I'm talented.

Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn't want to do harm to us. So it seems like we have to rethink a strategy that is less military-based.