[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever.

You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.

Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.

The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too.

If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while?

I know change can be painful. But from change comes growth.

I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.