[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever.

The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party

I wonder who really is the change candidate? It can't be both of them [Hillary Clinton & Barak Obama]. What would be a black man and a woman - how could that be different than the 43 other Presidents we've had?

My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I'm actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.

I don't consider myself a serious and social political critic.

I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies.

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.