It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son.

It's like America has a dog that's always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug.

The government that governs best, governs best!

To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!

Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records?

It's like hunting cows

New York City isn't Chuck E. Cheese. We don't have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars and crack.