I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.

I really think [the Bush Administration]'s foreign policy agenda is to spread irony through the world.

I don't consider myself a serious and social political critic.

You feel kind of weird cheering for chaos. There is that sense that the crazier it gets, the better off we are. Before, when I was part of the American public, I was hoping for a reasonable and quick solution to the impeachment process. Now, I'm hoping for partisan bedlam and chaos. It's really what serves me best.

Poor people have sh*tty lobbyists.

People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.

When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."