Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.

[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode.

Watching Fox, that's like watching the Cartoon Network. Fox is nuts.

If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.

I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."