It's like hunting cows

I want a sandwich named after me.

The election moment is merely the American public saying, "We'd rather you be President than that guy." That's it.

The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every f*cking day.

The Book of Mormon is so good it makes me f**king angry.

Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, "fair and balanced? Why, that's snide!" Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan "You Can Depend on CNN". Guess what? I watch it, no you can't. So what's the difference?

So if you're negative, you live longer? That sounds like a cruel joke.