In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can't get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America.

Isn't that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don't wanna have to go home and change into shorts.

Child: Why on this night do we eat Hot Fudge Sundaes? Adult: To remind us that being Jewish is like having your birthday every day!! Plus they're delicious!

It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs.

I know that my job is to perform, it wouldn't be a very interesting show if I just came out one day and said, "I'm going to sit here in a ball and rock back and forth. And won't you join me for a half hour of sadness."

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.

We are going to be raising a generation of mentally impaired people.