Do you know how many movies I wrote when I was high?

We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign up for Obamacare - and we'll see which happens first.

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!

Is listening to Pink Floyd in the dark a medical condition?

It's nice to know that [God] can destroy us in a myriad of ways.

Poor people have sh*tty lobbyists.