It's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights...

Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke.

What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square. It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "sup?"

I have not moved out of the comedian's box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me.

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.