After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call ever parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.'

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.

I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.

We're Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there.

I don't want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that's tragic. Because I don't want her to get the chance to pick out what I'm going to wear for eternity.