The Republican party is the party of nostalgia. It seeks to return America to a simpler, more innocent and moral past that never actually existed. The Democrats are utopians. They seek to create an America so fair and non-judgmental that life becomes an unbearable series of apologies. Together, the two parties function like giant down comforters, allowing a candidate to disappear into the enveloping softness, protecting them from exposure to the harsh weather of independent thought.

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.

I feel like [God]'s hazing us.

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

Do you know how many movies I wrote when I was high?

War that hasn't affected us here, in the way that you would imagine a five-year war would affect a country.

You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty!