There are only two qualities in the world: efficiency and inefficiency; and only two sorts of people: the efficient and the inefficient.

The miser and the glutton are two facetious buzzards: one hides his store, and the other stores his hide.

It ain't because lovers are so sensitive that they quarrel so often; it is because there is so much fun n the making up.

The fools in this world make about as much trouble as the wicked do.

Everybody in this world wants watching, but nobody more than ourselves.

When you do laugh, open your mouth wide enough for the noise to get out without squealing, throw your head back as though you were going to be shaved, hold on to your false hair with both hands and then laugh till your soul gets thoroughly rested.

The unfortunate do not pity the unfortunate.