It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.

If a man is right, he can't be too radical; if he is wrong, he can't be too conservative.

About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.

I hold that a man has as much right to spell a word as it is pronounced as he has to pronounce it the way it ain't spelled.

It is the little bits of things that fret and worry us; we can dodge a elephant, but we can't dodge a fly.

A good reliable set of bowels is worth more to a man than any quantity of brains.

I called my cat William because no shorter name fits the dignity of his character. Poor old man, he has fits now, so I call him Fitz-William.