I don't never have any trouble in regulating my own conduct, but to keep other folks' straight is what bothers me.

Advice is like castor oil — easy enough to give but dreadful hard to take.

In the whole history of the world there is but one thing that money cannot buy...to wit--the wag of a dog's tail.

There is only one good substitute for the endearments of a sister, and that is the endearments of some other fellow's sister.

I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money.

Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain't got.

I never question a success, any more than I do the right of a bulldog to lie in his own gateway.