How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"

You can't get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard.

I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.

You have to really kiss up to EVERYONE! Kiss up to anyone you think can help you. That's really the best advice I can give. You obviously have to have an act - but, maybe you don't.

I am a morning person...I love waking up, walking & reveling In the beauty of all the flowers and trees....while chugging a 5th of vodka!!! It could happen.

Friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you.