You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.

People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don't know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she's a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don't ignore what you hear.

On My First Driving Lesson “First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?…Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that’s not moving makes you an asshole.

You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.

I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but also the entire book as a whole.