Eventually, though, I came to the conclusion that I was the male equivalent of a Toyota Camry. You know: No one ever says, "I have to have a Toyota Camry." But most people who spend some time in a Camry start to like it. "It's pretty reliable," they think. "It doesn't have a lot of problems, and it's not bad to look at. You know what? I'd probably prefer a nicer car. But I can live with a Camry.

On My First Driving Lesson “First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?…Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that’s not moving makes you an asshole.

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.

You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.

I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.

That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.