No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.

I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.

That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

Eventually, though, I came to the conclusion that I was the male equivalent of a Toyota Camry. You know: No one ever says, "I have to have a Toyota Camry." But most people who spend some time in a Camry start to like it. "It's pretty reliable," they think. "It doesn't have a lot of problems, and it's not bad to look at. You know what? I'd probably prefer a nicer car. But I can live with a Camry.

The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.

I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him.