The only reason you don't go on holiday, is 'cause you have to spend money.

They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle... get it locked up.

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.

Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.'

I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.

I don't want to go about offending people, that's not my plan.