The only reason you don't go on holiday, is 'cause you have to spend money.

This is the problem with over-crowded inner-city schools there aren't enough parts for everyone in the nativity story.

Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise, really.

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for

If Camels are the ship of the dessert, this one is the Titanic

If you are living the dream, how do you know if you are asleep or awake?

They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle... get it locked up.