Karl Pilkington Quotes

You never get an angry man suddenly breaking into a whistle.

Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.

A single vision is more perfect than a committee vision because with everyone having their say, it becomes compromised.

If Camels are the ship of the dessert, this one is the Titanic

We are always making more and more stuff in the world. You know; big buildings, big planes, big boats and that. Will we ever get to a point where all this is too heavy for the world to handle?

This is the problem with over-crowded inner-city schools there aren't enough parts for everyone in the nativity story.

What happens if someone else has my eyes, and they start looking at stuff I don't like? I don't like the idea of that.

They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else to drown it out at the time?

There's a lot of idiots in the world, so live with it.

My brain's just full of passwords.

A block of blood should not have the word "cake" after it...they might as well say "shite gateau

To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after.

I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you?

We all just want to sit on our ass.

It's not easy keeping a diary. You have to be pretty committed.

Fishing: I don't really like it. I don't really like the expression on the fish's face.

I told her that I can't be doing with the Wonder part of these trips, but she said it should be the icing on the cake... I've never liked wedding cake due to the amount of icing, but then imagine a wedding cake without it; just a dark, stodgy, horrible dry sponge. The icing covers up the mess, and that's how I feel about most of the Wonders. They use them to get people to visit a place that you probably wouldn't think about visiting.

Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.

You can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge.

People say if bees die out, the world would end apparently. Now, I don't know if that's true, if that's some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document and people believe this.

I saw a bee have a heart attack.

I'm a bit rubbish at knowing when something is good. But if it goes out and I can say, "I wasn't as bad as I thought I would be", then I'll be happy. Until then, I'll be thinking, "I shouldn't be here!"

People always tell me I'm going to regret not having kids. But what if I have one and then I regret having it? Has anyone thought of that option?

For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.

I've never thought about it before, but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to, too.

Well I'm trying to think what I put in... I think I put in 'why?' to see if I'd confuse the computer.

Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back.

Avocados, it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.

The poorer people and criminals of Mexico who are not very religious but not quite atheists, either, worship Saint Death.

If you’re not happy looking a knob in the face, there’s something wrong.

I always have a problem liking things I'm told I should like.

How would I know which one I was?

Why is it alright to be going around, going mental with a gun, shooting all the monkeys and killing them? Because one day we're going to run out.

You never see an old man eating a Twix

I was still using my eyes even though I had them shut.

When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in.

We came from the sea originally, now we're going back in it. Don't go in it, unless you're in a boat.

The only reason you don't go on holiday, is 'cause you have to spend money.

Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.

That impresses me more, inventin' electricity.

I sometimes wonder how we're short of cod. There's gonna be a load deep down that are hiding. But it's a good reason to put the price up, and it means a load of people will have haddock. They should tell people they're running out of all sorts. Make 'em panic a bit.

I'd rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave.

I think it's clever how Rome have kept a load of old stuff. There's no overheads, yet people are going over there to see it.

I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there.

I've got loads of nieces and nephews.

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.

So you're sayin that it's easy to send somat up to space, but you don't believe there's a little banana machine?

If you are living the dream, how do you know if you are asleep or awake?