I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.'

I'm really happy. I just don't choose to show it.

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.

I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything.

I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice.