You never see an old man eating a Twix

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for

If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.

I've heard that fact, that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought, that's dangerous.

[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.

The reason there are so many gyms in London is because the amount of gay people who are here now.

We came from the sea originally, now we're going back in it. Don't go in it, unless you're in a boat.