If you’re worrying about the wrinkles on your bollocks I’d say your life’s pretty good

It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.

If Camels are the ship of the dessert, this one is the Titanic

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

If Dracula can’t see his reflection, how come his parting’s always neat?

We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about