Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache.

I can remember thinking, at the age of 3, that I invented the concept of lying. By a brilliant thought process, I figured that I could fib and avoid the repercussions for something I had done, because lying meant that it never happened. However, by the time I was 5, I came to hate lying and to think of it as the worst thing in the world. That's my earliest memory. Weird, but true!

He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper.

America is a bunch o' bullies. Tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.

A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.

Genius is often called crazy, but crazy is never called genius. So you just have to put out the work and let the chips fall where they may.

My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and Sparks everywhere!