If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.