Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

I had an idyllic childhood and when my parents bought me a Punch and Judy Show and a ventriloquist's dummy, I'd perform anywhere, anytime. My parents were wonderful when I told them I wanted to be an entertainer.

The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.