Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.