The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

I had an idyllic childhood and when my parents bought me a Punch and Judy Show and a ventriloquist's dummy, I'd perform anywhere, anytime. My parents were wonderful when I told them I wanted to be an entertainer.

Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.