The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.

I had an idyllic childhood and when my parents bought me a Punch and Judy Show and a ventriloquist's dummy, I'd perform anywhere, anytime. My parents were wonderful when I told them I wanted to be an entertainer.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.