The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.