Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.