I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'
The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.
Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.