I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works.