I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.