My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!