My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.