My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'
Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.
The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.
Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!